I watched Marley & Me the other day….well when I say watched, I mean, started to watch but then realized how much of a pile of shit this film actually is. IMDB says that the plot of the film is this: ‘A family learns important life lessons from their adorable, but naughty and neurotic dog.’
Now for one thing, those who get taught life lessons by a dog, desperately need to seek medical help. The only thing I can see to be learnt from a dog is as follows:
1: Don’t tie the dogs lead to a table, have they not seen Beethoven?
2: Get a cat instead

The films plot is very simple, here is my version of the plot: ‘A couple gets a dog, the couple gets dragged around by the dog’.
Apart from the formulaic Hollywood rubbish, we’ve got Owen Wilson and his wonky noise, and Jenifer Aniston and her hair. I hate Owen Wilson’s voice, it is so annoying, and he sounds the same in every film he has ever been in, and will ever make ever.

Now is it just me or has there been an outbreak of bad films lately? And for some odd reason, they all have the similar title graphics on the DVD and posters? For example look at these:

Ok fair enough, I haven’t seen any of those films, but do you notice something similar between the three? Its the RED TEXT, it must be like a warning, BEWARE, this film is bad! Much like animals use the colour red in the wild.

There are other films out there, be sure to look out for them, the most common ones are like ‘My Best Friend’s Girl’, one or two words are red, the rest is white/black.

Probably where it all started

Back to Marley & Me..well there isn’t much else to say about it except, don’t watch it. Oh and the dog is named after Bob Marley..

Smoking a joint on the toilet

From now on, every Friday, I will (try to) post a random Photoshopped image. And no, I am not copying Something Awful, because I haven’t called it Photoshop Phriday.

So I was thinking one day, wouldn’t it be cool if you could actually kiss an elephant without it charging and probably trampling you to death, perhaps its must season and the elephants are extra pissed off, but all you want is a simple kiss. The only way, I thought, of this ever happening was if you were too somehow steal the machine from Honey I Shrunk the Kids, and shrink an elephant, simple.

Possible sequel?

I love films, there is lots of good films out there, but far too often a bad film sneaks its way through by hypnotizing people with the advertising, of which 90% of the budget is spent on. I can often tell when a film is going to be bad, or that I wont like it, by just watching the advert. The ones whose adverts contain all the good material of the whole film in a matter of 3 minutes, the other 90 minutes of actual film is normally crap. Or maybe you seen a really cool film, such as The Matrix, and you hear that there is a sequel out soon, oh and its your birthday on the same day, maybe you decide to go to the cinema to see it? Within 5 minutes of the film your dreams of an uber-cool Matrix sequel is flattened by Keanu Reeves stupid voice.

Anyway, here are some embarrassing moments in film, in no particular order:

Leon

Leon is about this hitman who has been a contract killer ever since he was a boy. And he meets a girl played by Natalie Portman who he falls in love with.

Although Leon is one of my favorite films, there is one little bit in it that really annoys me. The antagonist, played by Gary Oldman, is a corrupt police officer / drug dealer / family killer who hates Leon, possible because he is awesome and French. Gary Oldman, realizing one SWAT team isn’t going to get this bad ass Frenchman out, decides that he needs backup, and instead of saying, like any normal person would, ‘We need backup’, he simply says, and with no exaggeration here:

‘Bring me everyone’

‘What do you mean everyone?’

‘EVERYONE’

It could possible be that he is addicted to some sort of drug I am not aware off, or maybe he is just extremely pissed off.

Click Here to reap the full benefits through use of your ears..WARNING do not listen more than three times, you may go insane.

Good shit.

This is the epic moment when Gary Oldman takes his magical little pills from his magical tin he keeps with him.

Anyway, Leon, being as awesome as he is, manages to evade capture from 100′s of police storming his one bedroom flat. I recommend seeing this film simply because it is so good… and you can laugh at Gary Oldman.

300

Ah, 300, possible the most homosexual a film can get without actually being a gay porn movie. When I first saw this film I just thought.. wow, but soon the novelty wore off. I went to see it at the IMAX, you have to spell IMAX in all caps, all the time, because it is too awesome to be lower case. Anyway, I might have liked it because of the IMAX’s awesomeness, the curved screen, three double decker buses high. But when I watched it at home I couldn’t help but laugh, there is many things in this film to laugh at, mainly Leonidas’s constant urges to shout, is it just me or does this film portray all Spartans to be constantly cranky. On a side note, the film suggests that there is ONLY 300 Spartans, when in reality there was 300 Spartans, accompanied by 7000 other allies.

Slightly over the top don’t you think.

‘Marry me?’

Xerxes, played by a dude who looks nothing like he does in the actual film, is probably the only other character in the film who is just as gay as the Spartans. At one point in the film it even looks like he is giving Leonidas a shoulder massage.

Sin City

Sin City is right up there in my list of favorite films, but only a few films are just ‘perfect’. There is only one scene in this film that I don’t like, and I think the film would be better without it. Many people will think its a stupid thing to say, and that there is nothing wrong with the scene, but I disagree. Everything is wrong with the scene, at least, everything that Brittany Murphy does. I am not going to go into detail with the film plot because you have to see this film, it is a great piece of cinematography, and is, for lack of a better word, a ‘cool’ film.

Back to the fail-scene.

The deed is done when Clive Owen is hiding outside Brittany Murphy’s window, and he threatens to hurt the police man, played by Benicio Del Toro, who keeps harassing Brittany Murphy. He then jumps of the bloody building, and Brittany Murphy is left by the window, and she says:

‘Damnit, Dwight, damnit. You fool. You damn fool’
LAME.. I just find it corny, compared to the rest of the film, I think it just doesn’t fit in well.

‘Hi I cant act.’

Return of the Killer Tomatoes!

What a legend film, it is one of those films so bad, that you watch it anyway. The plot line is basically all in the title, easy to predict what is going to happen, but still a laugh to watch. It is a sequel to Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, and not many people know this, but an early George Clooney is in it. Not the cool, sophisticated gentlemen from Oceans 11, now he is battling alien tomatoes, obviously. I’m sure George looks back in shame at this film.

Nice hair

Its nearly as bad as Brad Pitts Pringles advert, George here, he is pictured left, because you probably cant recognise him because he isn’t wearing a suit, or isn’t in a casino.

Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion the Witch and he Wardrobe

Yet another disappointing film. I have read all the Narnia books and was really looking forward to this film, but then when I watched it, it made me want to puke up a cucumber sandwich and bomb a public school. They are all too posh! I enjoyed the books but that’s probably because it had my voice speaking for them, and not their annoying public school boy accents.

All four of them annoy the hell out of me. But the single most annoying bit of this film, which actually made me turn it off, is when Lucy, played by who the heck cares, pulls out her little letter opener knife and says.

Lucy: (draws knife) We have to help them.

I have wrote what it actually says in the script to give the full effect of this garbage. Someone needs to remind her that she is about 10 years old, and is carrying a letter opener, and is intending to defeat a whole army of various wild animals, not to mention a Witch who can turn people to stone. Like the famous song goes, Lucy in the sky with diamonds, I think Lucy is most definitely in the sky with many numerous floating diamonds.

Go be hallucinating in some other cupboard

This is possibly the single most lamest thing that has ever happened to anyone ever. I took the Theory Test today and was nervous, and I thought I was going to fail on the Hazard Perception test, but it turns out I did better on that than I did on the multiple choice test..

I scored 42 out of 50,  in the multiple choice test, which is 1 mark away from the required 43 correct answers, this is the one reason I am annoyed with this, I am actually so annoyed that the annoying feeling has turned into laughter. They also told me what areas was weak:

Attitude? what the hell does that mean, and what has it got to do with driving.

That is pretty much what the place looked like, except there was headphones. I am not looking forward to the proper Practical Test, it could possibly suck.

If you had read my older post about working in McDonalds, you will know i recently got a job there. It was my first job ever also. WELL anyway I got fired, they said I didn’t pass the one month probation. I got a review sheet and everything, the guy who had to tell me felt kinda bad I think. The only thing I will miss from working at McDonalds is the money, I didn’t really enjoy it there. So here is the review they gave me:

The U means unsatisfactory and the S means…. Satisfactory.

Works shifts as scheduled, for one thing, if you read my other McDonalds post, you will know that they didn’t bother to tell me that the shifts change weekly, so I turned up for a shift of mine that didn’t exist. ALSO I had to have the weekend off work to go to my Liverpool Uni open day, which I told them a week before. But they said that is too late, but they still let me. To book time off you have to go onto McTime (yes I know, how corny), but for some reason I tried to log into McTime and it said that I am not on the database, I told the manager this.

Is on time for every shift, I was only ever late twice, one time because they didn’t tell me the shifts change, and another time I arrived right when my shift starts on the dot.

Aims to complete assigned tasks promptly and efficiently, I think because I was shit at mopping. The assistant manager also said that, ‘It has been a month and you still need someone helping you on till’, well I didn’t ask for the help, I just got given it.

So my time at McDonalds was brief, but my legacy will live on! sort of. I should have done something for the lulz and pulled the Ansul button, which releases loads of anti-fire foam into the restaurant, its on top of the chip friar if anyone gets the chance.

Recently I went to Liverpool for my University open day (I traveled from Kent). I was wandering around the Albert Docks and found myself in the Tate Art Gallery, and there it was, sitting right in front of me, The Kiss by Auguste Rodin (he has a great beard). To be honest I didn’t even know I was in the Tate, I was just following my family. So I walked up to this massive sculpture, thinking it was a replica, I thought that it was no way possible that a famous sculpture would be sitting right in front of me. So, naturally, I slapped it. Not hard, but just trying to be funny. I then realised it was the real thing and felt really bad that I had done this. But anyhow, how many people can say that they have slapped The Kiss! I can, maybe I can invent a new medium of art, slap-art, if I slap the artwork, it makes it more…arty…I don’t think this is going anywhere.

Well here it is, The Kiss:

Most of the shows I watch on television are ones with cult followings (nope I am not a Trekkie) When I try to talk about these shows with friends they have no idea what I am talking about and think I am some kind of madman.

Let me get Wikipedia to explain:
“A cult following is a group of fans devoted to a specific area of pop culture. These dedicated followings are usually relatively small, and often pertain to items that don’t have broad mainstream appeal.”

Thank You Wikipedia.

So here it is, (my) Top 5 Shows with a ‘Cult Following’:

5 – The League of Gentlemen

Not to be confused with ‘The league of Extraordinary Gentlemen’ (the rubbish film with Sean Connery in it). The League of Gentlemen consists of Reece Shearsmith, Steve Pemberton and Mark Gatiss, who play many characters within the show. I would call it a Black Comedy, because you end up laughing at others misfortune, or laughing at things that shouldn’t be laughed at. The League of Gentlemen is really strange also, my teacher once said, whoever watches The League of Gentlemen will become a serial killer (yes he is an idiot).

In this photo you can see Edward and Tubbs who run the local shop of the fictional town ‘Royston Vasey’.

4 – Monty Python

I love Monty Python, I love its randomness, and silliness. Monty Python is probably one of the originals, if it wasn’t for Monty Python, there wouldn’t be Mighty Boosh and shows like that. I have put Monty Python at 4 because it doesn’t have as small a following as the other shows on this list. When it was first aired it got allot of views simply because then there was only three channels, and not much too watch.

Very surreal too. In this photo you can see the cast of Monty Python.

3 – The Mighty Boosh

‘Come with us now on a journey through time and space, to the world of The Mighty Boosh’ Before every episode of The Mighty Boosh there is that Intro, and it really is true, they do live in their own made up world, mostly based in Camden, and for some reason use Euros instead of British Pounds. Staring Naboo the shaman and his familiar Bollo the ape, Howard the Jazztastic ‘History teacher’ (as Vince says), and Vince, who is just Vince, and the character I hate the most, Bob Fossil, he is lame.

(Howard + Vince)

2 – Brass Eye

Brass Eye is a spoof news program, which really takes the mickey out of the media and how the media exaggerates story’s. Written and starring Chris Morris, who I think is a genius, he most definitely ‘does it for the lulz’. Brass Eye only had one series, and I think that was just enough. The episodes talked about topics such as drugs, science, and the decline of society. A more controversial episode about Pedophilia was also aired as a Special episode, this caused allot of complaints. One of the traits of Brass Eye is the stitching up of celebrities, Chris Morris would interview celebrities with them thinking it is a real News broadcast, he managed to convince one celebrity that pedophiles are more closely related to crabs than they are humans. He managed to do this simply because the celebrities will do anything to be on TV, and to make the public think they are caring and will support anything, even the made up story by Chris Morris of an elephant with its trunk stuck up its anus, yes a celebrity did actually believe this.

On the topic of controversy, Chris has done several things to annoy the public (60 year old ‘write to the editor’ people).

- He had once told the public, on the radio, that Jimmy Savile and Conservative MP Michael Heseltine had died

- Performed a song in the style of Pulp song ‘Common People’ about child-murderer Myra Hindley.

- Wrote a 12 part column in The Observer titled ‘Second Class Male’ and ‘Time To Go’, which documented the suicide of columnist Richard Geefe. After complaints it was revealed Richard Geefe was Chris Morris.

- Added a subliminal message to one of Brass Eyes episodes, of which text flashed onto the screen reading ‘Michael Grade is a (see you next Tuesday, if you get my drift)’, Michael Grade was Chief Executive of Channel 4, and constantly intervened by making edits with Brass Eye. The episode got aired.

Chris Morris is often called a ‘media terrorist’ although he is very shy. He has only ever done one live show on ‘I am Alan Partridge’ which Steve Coogan (Alan Partridge) asked him if he had anything to say to the audience, to which Chriss replied, no, and ran back stage.

Chris Morris’s latest appearance was in the IT Crowd, in which he commits suicide by jumping out of a window in the middle of a conference meeting.

Well thats enough of Chris Morris, I find him fascinating, here is him at work:

Chris Morris is actually a living legend.

1 – Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace

Garth Marenghi is a fictional horror writer played by Matthew Holness, and also features his producer Dean Learner, played by Richard Ayoade from the IT Crowd. Darkplace is the kind of comedy that you need to look closely to find it funny. Little things that you need to notice will make you laugh. For example, there is lots of deliberate continuity in the show to exaggerate how bad Garth and Dean are at film making. The camera angles are bad, the sound dubbing is bad, the special effects are little to none. But that is the whole point of it, it takes the mickey out of egotistic film makers, with a 70′s feel slapped on top. One of the things that makes me always laugh is when Dean Learner says that they needed to add allot of slow motion effects to get to 30 minutes per episode.

When watching Darkplace, the main thing you need to keep telling yourself is, it is MEANT to be bad. Garth Marenghi is a character outside of Darkplace too, he even has his own website. http://www.garthmarenghi.com/

He has also appeared in ‘Man to Man with Dean Learner’. I emailed Garth with the email address on his website, he is yet to get back to me though.

Michael Jackson is making a comeback! Millions of devoted (mad) fans will be camping outside the o2 arena soon to see Jackson perform. It has been a long time since he last performed, so I don’t know what to expect. It could be amazingly amazing, although, he could do some mad shit and scare everyone, and in a panic the 20,000 large crowd all run for one exit.

The 50 year old singer has been in and out the spot light for years, my theory is he is slowly turning into Kryten out of Red Dwarf.

In October 2008, Michael moved house…next to a school, as if he didn’t have enough attention, his new house was yards from a school for pupils ages 4 – 13, the parents complained, one said, “he can see them get onto the school bus from his home”.

Why so Wacko?

After a few days, Ive decided there is  more I can write about Jade Goody. (yes I hate her that much).

The tabloids have converted everyone to like her, just because she is dying. It sounds like the same principles of the ‘sympathy vote’ in Big Brother. Every day for the past week there has been new headlines about Jade, is there no news or something? before she announced she was dying, all the news talked about is  the recession, and before that, when there was no news, they just talked about Princess Diane, sure it was sad that she died, but to keep publishing news about her 10 years later annoys me so much.

When there is no news, repeat old news, that must be an unwritten rule in any news broadcasters studio.

ALSO Micheal Jackson sent condolences to Jade… just because his career is up the shitter, he thinks he can get some free publicity by getting on on the act.

Here’s various images to  express my views on this whole situation:

‘But I will tell over 60 million people, and the tabloids.’

Performing monkeys, not much different to the Freak Shows of 17th-18th century, same principles.

This, my friends, is who you love (pictured left).

Ok ok, this one is Photoshopped a little bit.

It really annoys me that someone like Jade Goody are rich and famous. She is only famous for being famous, she has no talent what so ever. I hated her in the Big Brother house, and I still hate her now. Soon she will be gone, and she has realised that she can still make some more money from TV companies. How low can you get, she claims she is doing it for her children, but her husband will get 50% of what she owns when she dies. How come un-famous cancer victims are not on the news and got their own TV mini-series? And as for the children, they are lucky that they will not be bought up by Jade Goody, and hopefully the father does not get custody, else, in 20 years time, I can see them entering the Big Brother house just like Jade did (and possibly piss of an Indian celebrity).

As for the whole Shilpa Shetty incident, it just showed how horrible Jade is inside (and on the outside infact). It just enforces the saying ‘what goes around, comes around’ (my Maths teacher used to allways say that, he was a Maths teacher by day, night club bouncer by night, which probably explains why I failed Maths).